TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from location. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another location exactly where American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply Every person a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should really cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a Trump Tower Damascus collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting focus from Global investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have flip-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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